Shelter
by end-of-rainbow
Summary: Indigo. That’s all Derek saw. Indigo. His favorite color, something he liked.He couldn’t breath, at least not like normally. He could only take short small breaths. His mouth gaped, trying to catch the air his nose wouldn’t. Addek.
1. Chapter 1

I'm baaaaaaaaacckk! With a fic, woot! So, this is different from the others I've written, so bear with me. I know where I'm going with this but I don't wanna reveal too much, so without further ado, this is Shelter:  
The usual disclaimer: I own no one.

Shelter.

Chapter 1.

XXXXXXX

_**May 2007**_

Indigo.

That's all Derek saw.

Indigo.

His favorite color, something he liked.

He couldn't breath, at least not like normally. He could only take short small breaths. His mouth gaped, trying to catch the air his nose wouldn't.

He saw indigo in his tightly shut eyes. He didn't dare to open his eyes. No.

He was afraid to see the white top of the ambulance that was pressing his body to the cold asphalt leading to the entrance of Seattle Grace's Emergency Room. If he saw it, he would feel the pain.

It had happened so fast.

Three cars rapidly turned the corner a second after the ambulance stopped at the ER entrance.

The patient was already out of the ambulance and he was coming around the passenger window, yelling at the driver to get out, knowing of the inevitable crash.

He was right, the cars swerved on the icy concrete.

Next was the sound of a blustering crash.

Then he saw indigo.

He chose to see indigo and nothing else.

Just indigo.

Indigo.

XXXXX

Breathe.

Breathe, Addison.

That was all she repeated in her mind.

She stood still, as if her feet were fused to the ground. She hadn't moved since she saw it happened before her eyes. Everybody had tried to get her inside, but she couldn't move.

She was rushing to the ER for another patient the slippery road had claimed. Derek was getting the patient out of the first ambulance hurriedly, hers was still not in sight, but the three cars were.

She was later informed that it had been a group of very drunken, heavily intoxicated bastards who had decided to race the ambulance. She saw the speeding sport cars, and then her head snapped to Derek as he walked to the passenger side, yelling at the driver to get out.

It happened so fast.

She yelled at Derek to get back because she, too, knew of the impending crash. He didn't hear her, the engine sound of cars was ear-deafening. She saw the cars swerving out of control and cringed at the screeching of their tires against the asphalt.

Then simultaneously, not even a second in between, the three cars hit the driver side of the ambulance, tipping it over.

She screamed as the big emergency vehicle came down on its side, trapping Derek on the ground from the chest down.

She couldn't move, nor could she come near him.

She moved from her original spot only because the staff accidentally shoved her to the side of the ER entrance on their way to get the driver out of the car and to rush to Derek. The Chief, Burke, and Bailey tended to Derek and left her alone.

She didn't know how long she had been standing here, watching Derek. He was alive, he was breathing. He nodded and shook his head when questions were asked, but he refused to open his eyes.

Burke asked if he felt any pain, Derek shook his head no. Addison had never felt a greater wave of relief washed over her.

Breathe, Addison.

Breathe.

XXXX

He could move his head and his hands and fingers.

He could hear voices.

He heard Chief's, Burke's, Bailey's, and Meredith's.

They asked him questions. He nodded yes and shook his head no.

They asked him to open his eyes. He decidedly cannot oblige to that request.

He already felt the ache seeping in. The trauma had sent his body to numb the indescribable pain from the unbearable weight of the ambulance, but it was beginning to wear off.

He groaned.

He heard the Chief cursed, knowing what was happening and what was to come as well.

"Talk to him, something good, something happy—anything to distract him," he heard Bailey told Meredith.

Meredith's voice came closer, trembling. Her hands slipped in one of his and held it tight.

He focused on her voice, he was bright and shiny with her, she could make him forget the pain.

She told him about the funny stories they had shared over bubble baths, about the antics Doc used to do, about the talks they had when they used to meet to walk Doc, about the ferryboats.

He groaned.

Encouraged by Bailey, Meredith continued talking, but he could barely focus.

The pain will come. Get me out. The pain will come. This isn't enough.

He groaned louder.

"Get me out," he said breathless. The first thing he uttered.

Bailey told him they were trying and she told Meredith to keep talking.

She stammered to find other good memories to tell.

He felt a surge of pain and groaned even louder.

Then he heard another voice, a familiar one: Addison's.

"Derek, listen to me."

He did.

XXXX

Addison heard him groaned.

She knew what it meant, everybody knew.

She heard Bailey's yelling out something to Meredith, and her ex-husband's lover immediately rushed to tell him of their love story.

She felt pain and another set of fresh tears fell.

He groaned again. Bailey told him they were getting him out soon and told Meredith to keep talking.

She watched as the young intern stammered through her words.

Derek groaned again, louder, and for the first time in what seemed to be forever, Addison moved.

She dashed for the group of doctors surrounding him, shoving her way through, and knelt by the top of his head, both hands on the sides of his face.

"Derek, listen to me."

She took a deep breath and choked back the sobs.

"Remember the times with your dad when you were a kid? He'd take a day off from work to spend time with you…to get away from the girls…to have some men time—" she let out a small laugh—"Even though you were only five?"

He nodded.

"He used to take you on the ferryboats…you'd spend the whole day going to Liberty, Ellis, and Staten Islands…. He bought you ice cream, funnel cake, everything you wanted…and…and…he carried you on his shoulders…and he told you stories of him and your grandfather…."

She wiped her tears that were threatening to fall on his face.

"You told me he loved looking at the skyline from the ferryboats. He had a thing for view…."

He struggled to get a word out, "You…too…."

She drew in a sharp breath.

"You like…cute little viewfinders…." He took a series of short breaths, "Brownstone…Hampton house…great views…."

Addison cried. Derek remembered a tiny memory of their life together, the Derek and Addison that she was sure had turned into a bad memory for him.

"You're doing good, Addison," Bailey whispered. "Keep going."

She made an effort to pull herself somewhat together, "Yeah, Central Park…and the Hamptons. You hate the Hamptons, though…."

"You know…that I…secretly love it…."

"Yeah, I do…."

XXXX

He heard Addison. She was crying, but she held it back as she told him stories of his childhood. He remembered those happy memories of his late father and started to relax as she talked.

He muttered something about her having the same fondness to scenery as his father did, and it being the reason she had picked the brownstone and the Hampton house.

She sobbed, but Bailey whispered something and Addison continued.

She told him more stories from his childhood that he had told her. She remembered, Addison remembered.

She was telling him the story when his sisters and he tried to make a surprise dinner for their mom's birthday one year. His oldest sister was only twelve, so of course it had been a disaster.

He smiled when a similar memory came into his mind, "Remember when…you and Nancy…cooked Thanksgiving…."

He felt her tears dropped on his face and her hand that wiped them off.

"Nancy and I had a conference in Chicago earlier that week…and you insisted on coming…."

"Bad weather…" he whispered.

"Our flights were canceled and we couldn't get to Mom's on time…. Nancy decided we should have our own Thanksgiving, so we got a suite near the airport. We bought a turkey and everything…."

"Disaster…."

"We had Mom on the speaker phone, giving us instructions, and we still couldn't get it right…."

He chuckled even though it hurts. She laughed a little too.

"Chinese…bad Chinese…."

"Yeah," she continued softly, "We ended up ordering Chinese and it was bad…."

"Like med school…."

For the first time, Derek felt safe to open his eyes. Addison gasped when he did.

He saw her. Her face above him, it was red from crying, tear stains visibly painted down her cheeks.

"Don't cry, Addie…."

A tear rolled down her cheek onto his, and she wiped it off his cheek once more.

"Yeah, like med school…except we didn't have exams to study for…. But we had Mom's yelling at us…."

"Cold…" he whispered, it had started to sprinkle.

He saw people yelling for blankets and Burke whispering to Addison to keep him awake.

She told him another funny story of his sisters, but he grew weary of the childhood stories. He wanted to hear something else. He needed to hear something else.

"Remember…Pier 1…Brooklyn?"

"Of course." She smiled sadly, "One of our favorite spots…."

"Tell me…."

"When you first took me there, you didn't say why we were going to Brooklyn. You only said I would love it, and I did."

"The view…."

"You took me there to watch the sunset. We waited for the colorful lights to lit Manhattan and the Bridge…. It was gorgeous…."

"We had our bench…." He felt blankets draped over his body, but the cold persisted. "So cold…."

Tears came down her face again, "I know…just hang on a little bit more and we'll get you out…."

"Sleepy…."

"No! No…Derek, you have to stay awake, you hear me?!"

He knew. He was going into shock. He had to stay awake.

He saw her moved to his side, the side where Meredith was. He remembered Meredith was there before, but he had no idea where or when she left his side. He only wanted Addison there. He only needed her, she kept the pain away.

XXXX

_Listen, when all of this around us will fall over_

_I tell you what we're gonna do_

_Hey, you will shelter me my love_

_I will shelter you_

_If you shelter me too_

_I will shelter you_

_I will shelter you_

XXXX

Addison lay on her side next to him, curling her body somehow so it was pressed against his, doing everything she can to warm him. He felt one of her hand in his and he squeezed it tight. He rolled his head to look at her, their faces merely inches apart. This was the closest he had been with her in a long time, and he realized how much he missed her.

"Remember Today's show and cereals?" she asked.

He smiled, "Every day-off…on that futon…and the big couch after we moved…."

"You had a crush on Katie Couric."

"Yours was Matt…but secretly…."

She chuckled, "Al Roker."

"Weirdo…."

"We're ready," the Chief informed both of them.

He felt dampness on his cheek, not from her tears or the rain, but from his own tears.

Her hand in his trembled.

They knew what was coming. They were getting him out, but he could die. He was pale, his heartbeat was slowing, signs that he was going into shock. As soon as they lifted the ambulance, he would feel the monstrous pain, and with the addition that he could have been bleeding internally, it could be too late to do anything to repair any damage.

"I don't…want to die…."

"You're not going to…."

"Addie…"

"No, Derek! You can't!"

"You know…"

"No! No, I don't know! They'll save you and you'll live!" She cried uncontrollably, "I can't…you can't die…. Don't die…"

He gazed sadly into her eyes, "I don't want to…."

"So don't…please…. I can't lose you like this…."

Bailey came over Addison, gently pulled her hand out of his and slowly tore her away from him.

"No! No, don't go!" He caught a few breaths, "Miranda…please," he begged. "Don't take her…Addie, no…."

He heard the sound of her sob faded and cried out as the weight was lifted off his body and the indescribable pain shot through every part of him.

Then he saw black and nothing else.

Just black.

Black.

XXXX

Sooo, tell me what you think, yay or nay? Review por favor!


	2. Chapter 2

Here's chapter two. Further author's note at the end.  
The usual I-don't-own-them-they're-Shonda's disclaimer.

XXXX

_Listen when all of this around us will fall over  
I tell you what we're gonna do  
You will shelter me my love  
I will shelter you_

XXXX

Heavy clouds loomed above their heads as they gathered around the rectangular plot, rain threatened to spill at any moment. The sky was dark and bleak, matching the mood of the mourners at this cemetery.

Addison stared at the ground and let her tears fall, nothing shameful about crying in public for the man who had been a part of her life for more than a decade. He was a great surgeon and a great man, despites the mistakes of an affair and a failed marriage.

A hand touched her right arm, and she wiped her cheeks as she looked up. Callie Torres offered her a tissue and a supporting nod and gently squeezed her arm.

It began to drizzle, and black umbrellas opened to the sky simultaneously, shielding the crowd from the wetness that wasn't their tears. She continued staring at the ground as wet dots formed on her black heels.

The reverend quoted a verse from the Bible, a hymn sung, and down the brown coffin went into the burial plot. Earth filled the empty space, from atop the coffin until where the headstone laid, and she wished that something could fill the empty space in her heart. Flowers were placed by the headstone, and then it was over.

The mourners made their way to their vehicles parked on the street, and colors began to emerge in her line of sight: the green of the wet grass, the fresh brown of the earth, the white of the flowers, and the grey of the headstone.

_**Richard Johnson Webber**_

_**May 3, 1943 **_

_**August 18, 2009**_

XXXX

_**August 22, 2009. **_

The home of Richard's sister was crowded with close family and friends. Derek scanned the living room, filled with people speaking to each other in low solemn voices. He made his way through the back porch for a change of scene. It was quiet there…peaceful.

Leaning on the wooden rails circling the porch, he took out a small silver flask from his pocket, opened the cap, and took a gulp of the content. Once the liquid made it down his throat, he took another gulp. Then he stopped.

His gaze went inside the house and found her, standing in the kitchen with empty plates in hands, catching a sight of him through the window. She turned away when his eyes met hers, and he took another gulp from the silver flask.

The back door swung and the old couch creaked when she sat down. Loosening his tie, he joined her on the couch.

She took the silver flask out of his hand and helped herself, "I can't believe he's gone."

"Neither can I," he replied.

"You drink," she said, staring at the metal container on her lap, in a tone that was more of a statement than a question.

He didn't respond, there was so much left unsaid between them.

She tightened the cap and returned the flask, "Do you smoke too?"

"When my patients can't see me," he answered truthfully, glancing sideways at her profile.

She gave him that disapproval look he once knew so well, "You're a doctor."

Putting the liquor back in his pocket, he sighed, "Doctors have their vices too."

"You're usually not one to carry flask of liquor and cigarettes."

"I'm usually not one to have an ambulance fell on me and almost die."

That silenced her.

"I didn't want to be dependent on those pain killer pills, so I drink…and smoke, sometimes. Not every day and night if that is your concern. I'm not an alcoholic, I'm not a smoker, I'm just…damaged."

She caught his eyes for a second before looking away, "I'm going back tomorrow morning."

"So fast?"

"I don't live here, Derek. I have a job to get back to."

"I haven't seen you since you came to my office," he protested.

"I came for Richard, and since he wanted to be at home, there was no reason for me to come to the hospital."

"Do you hate me, Addie?"

"I don't hate you," she replied.

"Why do you keep doing this? Avoiding me, leaving…."

"I'm not," she snapped. "I just have other responsibilities to attend to."

"Why did you do it, Addison?"

She quickly stood up, but he grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back on the couch.

She yanked her arm out of his grasp, "What do you want from me?"

"I want to know why!" he demanded. "You begged me not to die!"

He was now invading her personal space and it unnerved her, but he didn't care. "You begged me and I lived. But you left…without a word, without a goodbye. I need to know why…."

"Funny you should ask…."

He can hear the pain in her voice, see the hurt in her eyes, and he swallowed hard.

"Because I remember vividly you did the same thing to me…first."

XXXX

Addison saw the door to an empty bedroom and sneaked inside before anyone—namely Derek—could see her. It was then after closing the door that she heard the noise from the adjoining bathroom.

"Oh Adele…," she whispered as she saw the widow on the bathroom floor, her face pale and her eyes red.

"I'm just…nauseous…,"the older woman said shakily before she heaved into the toilet.

Grabbing a towel and wetting it with warm water, Addison knelt by her friend, rubbing circles on her back. Adele took the towel and buried her face on it, crying softly.

"I just had him back….," she muttered in between sobs, "For decades I had to compete with his career, with…that woman…. Finally it was me and him for the last two years, they weren't enough…."

Addison wrapped her arms around her, and a tear rolled down her face as they both grieved.

Slowly, Adele pulled away as her sobs ceased. "He was worried about you, you know…."

Her brows furrowed, "Worried…?"

"About your having to see Derek again," Adele confessed.

She leaned back on the bathtub and stretched out her legs, "I did just fine."

"You saw him once and deliberately avoided him afterward."

"I'm supposed to be here for you, not the other way around."

Adele drew a long sigh, "I was there the day he found out you had left Seattle. He was so...heartbroken…." She looked at her sadly, "Addie…."

"I'm leaving tomorrow and we'll go back to the lives we live now," she says flatly.

"He lo—"

"No, Adele." She didn't want to hear it. "I didn't spend the last two years putting my life back together only to have it ruined again just because he couldn't let go of what might've been…. It was already too late when he had that epiphany."

XXXX

Alright, I know some of yall are probably confused because I'm doing this in the non orderly timeline, so here's a few things:

1. I made a mistake of forgetting to put a date on the first chapter, I went back and fixed it already. The date on the first chapter is May 2007.  
2. Yes, this chapter 2 happened 2 years after chapter 1. If you pay attention to the date, it's August 22, 2009. And from this point on, I encourage you to pay attention to the dates. Dates are good, they avoid confusion, give the dates some love.  
3. Yes, Addison left Seattle after the accident and Richard died. 'Tis depressing...  
4. No, I'm not gonna tell you what happened between then and now all at once, what's the fun in that?! You'll just have to wait as each chapter unfolds, tee heee!  
5. Yes, I am evil for making you think Derek died at the start of the chapter and for making you wait, but I know you love me anyway.  
6. And because you love me, you will review. Come on, you know you wanna ;)


	3. Chapter 3

I still don't own them and never will.

Shelter.

Chapter 3

XXXX  
_**  
August 15**__**th**__**, 2009**_

He was awoken from his nap at the sound of murmuring outside the door. Through the blinds, he saw them assembled in front of his room, ready to march inside with the same proposition they had been offering—no, demanding—for the last two days.

The door handle moved, and he closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep. He waited until he heard a few steps before he spoke, "My answer is still no."

"Chief," Burke started to reason.

They still called him "Chief" regardless of his resignation two years ago.

He opened his eyes, "I said no."

Derek stepped forward, "You can't—"

"I want to be at home when I die, at my own house, not at this hospital."

His breathing became heavy and he looked at all the doctors standing in front him: Preston, Derek, and Miranda, three of his best attendings, Torres who was finishing up her residency, and the four residents—bar O'Malley, who transferred to another hospital—who were once the most insane interns he had ever had.

"Chief, please," Miranda's voice softened.

"No." He had had enough, "I'm tired of all this treatment and tubes and scans and charts. I want my home. And that is it. I don't—"

He stopped suddenly because the door opened and there she was, always one to make a grand entrance.

From the corner of his eyes, he caught Derek uttered a flabbergasted "Addison" under his breath. The ex-husband's eyes glanced back and forth between her and the toddler situated comfortably on her hip, her ever present companion these days, the love of her life, Nicholas. All the heads in the room had turned in her direction, their eyes widened at the unexpected arrival, but the neurosurgeon without a doubt, looked the most dumbfounded of them all it was almost hilarious.

Addison was equally caught off-guard at the amount of company in the room and struggled to keep it together when she saw Derek, but Addison being Addison, expertly and quickly masked it. She gave a "Hello, Everyone" and nod of acknowledgement, and consciously making an effort to avoid further eye contacts with Meredith and Derek as she tentatively stepped into the room.

Nicholas, with his disheveled dark wavy hair and deep blue eyes, sleepily scanned the roomful of strangers. The little boy finally spotted him on the bed and frowned, confused of the familiarity but not fully recognizing his Uncle Richard in state that he was in now, the bald head imprinted with scars from the four surgeries and the weak body as the result of intense chemotherapy, all in the last six months. Richard's heart broke, but he smiled at the toddler anyway.

Addison sat on the bed with Nicholas on her lap. "It's okay, it's Uncle Richard," she spoke softly to the boy.

"Uncle Richard?" Nicholas questioned in his almost two year old voice.

She smiled, "Yeah."

"Zoo?" the boy asked again.

Richard couldn't help but chuckled, "You remembered, Nicholas?"

Addison rolled her eyes, "Didn't hear the end of it for months. He demanded to see the pictures all the time."

He gave a weak laugh and turned over his hand towards Nicholas, the toddler put his little hand on the bigger palm and Richard gave it a gentle squeeze.

"I'd like a moment alone with Addison, please," he directed to the others who seemed to have regained their composure—except for Derek, who had kept his stare on Addison, not believing that it was really her there, back in Seattle.

"Dr. Shepherd," Miranda called out when the attending remained. "Derek."

Derek finally moved, throwing one last glance at Addison, who had her attention on her son.

XXXX

_I left you heartbroken, but not until those very words were spoken_

_Has anybody ever made such a fool out of you?_

_It's hard to believe it, even as my eyes do see it_

_The very things that make you live are killing you_

XXXX

Derek picked up his pen, put it down, and picked it up again. Frustrated, he put the pen down on the table one more time and buried his face in his hands. He can't focus on his work, not after he saw her. Just as she left and disappeared from Seattle, she showed up.

She stood tall, as always, in a beige color coat, a crème color wrap dress beneath the coat, and a pair of red heels that he assumed cost as much as, if not more than, an MRI scan. She was beautiful as always, and she now wore her hair short—much shorter, just above her shoulder, styled in a sexy bob with long angled bangs parted to the side.

And she had a Nicholas.

A son.

But with whom?

He smacked himself, of course she had a son, what was he thinking? It's been two years, she must have remarried and had a son. Of course she would, it was naïve of him to think she wouldn't find love again after all this time.

A knock came on the door and broke his thought. He let out a sigh and gave a quick "Come in."

It was her.

Addison.

She peeked through the door and immediately noticed the stack of papers on his desk, "I could come back another time."

"No, no, come in, come in," he insisted.

She had Nicholas in her arms, his head rested on his mother's shoulder, asleep. She took a glance around, "Nice office, Chief."

"Thanks." He motioned her to the chair in front of him. An air of awkwardness settled in once they were seated across from each other.

"How have you been?" she asked.

"Good," he replied, "Busy."

"It suits you really well." She gave him a half smile, "Being Chief."

He missed her smile. "You think so?"

"It's what you've always wanted."

Or so he thought.

"I haven't congratulated you, so…congratulations." She smirked, "Two years late, but better late than never."

He nodded in appreciation, "I never congratulate you on your son, so…congratulations. Two years late, but, like you said…."

She gave a nervous laugh.

He missed her laugh.

"How are you?" he genuinely asked when silence threatened to overcome. "How's London treating you?"

Her eyes grew curious.

"It's not hard to track the famous Doctor Addison Montgomery, you know," he teased.

He watched her eyes averted, a small blush creeping on her cheeks. Then she brought them back to meet his, "Good, actually. It rains like Seattle, but I love it there. The parks, the countryside, it's beautiful."

"I'm glad to hear you're well."

She looked away again, this time focusing on the sleeping Nicholas. He did the same, staring at on the papers on his desk. They were occupied with their own thoughts and the room was quiet for how long Derek didn't know, until….

"I adopted him."

"I left her after—"

Their heads shot up at the synchronic admissions, their startled eyes locked.

"You always knew how to read me," he admitted.

"There was a long period of time when I didn't," she said, tinted with regret.

He swallowed, "I broke it off after the accident. She was expecting it…said she was going to do it herself soon or later if I hadn't done it then."

"I'm sorry," she sincerely offered.

"Don't be."

"I went through all the process and waited for a year," Addison explained. "He was nine months old when I took him home."

He smiled, "It's great that you have him."

Her face softened, "Best thing that ever happened to me."

Then her face turned somber as she took a long sigh, "Anyway, I talked to Richard. There is nothing I can do to make him stay here, Derek. He wants to be at home…and I think we should let him…."

He shook his head, "I can't…I can't let him go knowing—"

"He knows what it means too."

He rested both elbows on the desk, running both hands through his hair.

"It kills me too, Derek…. But he's spent his life at hospitals and it's his wish that he ends it at his own home."

He was quiet for a moment, letting the information to sink in. His mentor, his friend, who was sick with an aggressive brain tumor, was asking to stop any further treatment. Derek had removed it years ago, right before Addison's first arrival to Seattle on that cold rainy night, but the foreign mass had come back, large and malignant. For months, Richard had fought through chemotherapy and invasive surgeries, but the cancer persisted and he seemed to have made peace with the brutal truth of his condition. Addison's return, as Derek found out from Miranda, was at the request of Richard, again much like the first time around, except this time he called her out to Seattle to say goodbye. Richard, Derek realized, was ready to face the end of his life even though Adele and their friends were not.

"I'll let the others know," he informed, finally.

"Okay." Addison shifted her son as she stood up, "I better go."

He nodded, still having his face buried in his hands.

She was almost at the door when he called out, "I wanted to come after you!"

She stopped and slowly turned just as he pushed his chair back and stood. He heard her gasped as she realized the impact of the accident three years ago. She blinked back tears when it was made visible as he went around the desk that he, Derek Shepherd, Chief of Surgery of Seattle Grace Hospital, now walked with a noticeable limp on his leg left.

"Your leg…I had no idea…."

"Can't expect to survive from being crushed under an ambulance with no permanent damage, Add…."

"I…I have to go," she said as son as she pulled herself together.

"I was coming after you," he talked through her, "I gave Richard my notice, I was ready to leave when I found where you were…."

She shook her head furiously, "I really have to go—"

He stepped in front of her, "But they stopped me, Richard and Miranda…Callie too…. And I thought about what they said, that if you had to move all the way to England then maybe you didn't want to be found…. So I stayed. I stayed but every day for the last two years I've lived with the same question…."

She pushed past him to the door.

"Why did you leave, Addie?"

Addison ignored him and left without looking back.

XXXX  
Let's recap, shall we:

1. Yes, this story goes backward. The date here is August 15, 2009, about week before last chapter at Richard's funeral. I know, I'm as confused writing it as you are reading this. What was I thinking doing this jumpy timeline?!!

2. Addie got a kid, not Derek's, but Nicholas seemed to have fabulous hair nonetheless. And I'm sure the formers interns were wondering if the kidlet is Derek's or not. Poor Meredith, she probably wondered if somethin' somethin' went on behind her back some two years ago...even though there wasn't...but there should... ;)

3. Derek limped when he walked. What? I can't kill him, so I left him with a limp, capiche? More realistic than Meredith coming back from drowning without brain damage, yea? So he's kinda like House, except without a cane, but equally emotionally damaged, but not as amusing as House. In my opinion anyway...

4. Yes, you still love me, therefore you will review :D  



	4. Chapter 4

Sorry for the long delay for this chapter, here's chapter 4.

Disclaimer: I don't own them, if I do they wouldn't be in this stupid mess Shonda got them into._**  
**_

_**May 2007**_

"Addison."

The sound of her sobs was the only reply.

"Addison."

Bailey sighed heavily. Her sight followed the team of doctors rolling Derek's gurney inside the ER and landed back on the woman slumped against her on the cold asphalt. "Let's get you inside, too, Addison."

A nurse nearby helped her to guide the attending into the nearest staff lounge.

"Addison," she called softly once the nurse left the room. "Addis—"

Addison took a few shaky breaths, "It hurts…it hurts…."

Bailey wrapped her arms around the other woman's trembling shoulders; it pained her to see Addison like this. The red head pulled away and wiped her face on the sleeves of her scrubs top, "I can't watch him…I can't…I can't—"

"Addison, you're just upset," she tried to calm her friend and it seemed to work for a moment as her breathing fell into a regular rhythm. But suddenly her shoulders stiffened and her breathing took a rapid pace once again.

"I can't be here…I can't wait here…I lost him…."

"They are working on him, Addis—"

"No, Miranda, you don't understand. I already lost him. Even if…." Addison swallowed, "Even if he made it, they're not going to call on the ex-wife…. I can't be here, what's left for me here, Miranda?

"Alright, alright…." Miranda Bailey had already had a lot for one night, and she certainly had run out of wit to deal with a frantic ex-wife. "Do you want to go home? Is that what you want? Why don't I and Callie take you home, okay?"

Addison shook her head firmly, "No, Miranda, I can't…. I can't be _here_." Then she looked up, and in those blue eyes of her, Miranda Bailey saw a heartbreaking despair and hopelessness that made her finally understood. For all Addison knew, she'd lose him if he didn't make it, and she'd lose him even if he did. She had not been an important fixture in Derek's life and to hope for him to come back to her if he were to wake up was as farfetched as a child's wish for the moon.

XXXXX

The last several hours had been a blur to her.

Addison's screaming Derek's name.

Hospital staff's rushing to his side.

Her frantic effort to distract Derek.

And finally, Addison's taking over her place by Derek's side.

It wasn't fair that she, Meredith Grey, didn't knew his childhood memories. She had only known him for less than a year, but her—Addison—had been his wife for eleven years.

She felt angry and defeated as she watched Derek relaxed under his ex-wife's voice and eventually opened his blue eyes. He looked at Addison, and continued to look at Addison and Addison only. He didn't notice his own girlfriend holding his hand.

It became too much for her that she had to leave his side. She stood nearby, watching Derek and Addison for how long she didn't know. She had stopped crying by then, but someone beside her had not.

Mark.

Mark Sloan, all six foot tall, hunky and chiseled McSteamy, shedding tears at the sight in front of them.

When she started to cry again, his arm circled around her shoulder and gave it a squeeze. It wasn't flirtatious, he wasn't taking advantage of her as he had tried many times before, but he simply understood how she felt to stand at the sideline. He, too, knew what it felt like when you weren't enough for the ones you loved.

"Hey." Alex's voice brought her back to the reality of sitting on a gurney, back to the cold wall, in a secluded corner or the hallway. He handed her a cup of coffee as he sat next to her, "Here."

"Thanks," she said softly.

"Any news?"

She shook her head, "Olivia brought in more blood. A lot more blood…."

"Oh….."

"Yeah…."

It gave her a tiny bit of comfort when he took her hand on his lap and held it there.

XXXXXX

Adele Webber felt uneasy as she heard Addison's voice mail for the 10th time as she walked through the halls of Seattle Grace Hospital, checking every non-patient room on the way. Addison Shepherd hadn't picked up her phone, and anyone that Adele asked had not seen or known of the surgeon's whereabouts. Adele had checked every floor when she didn't find Addison in the doctors' lounge where a nurse said she was.

She arrived where she had started, the main nurse's station. "Anyone's seen her?" she asked the same nurse she had asked earlier.

"No, Mam," the nurse answered sadly.

Adele nodded, "Thank you. I'll…I'll look again. If you hear anything…."

"I'll let her know you were looking," the nurse gave a small smile.

"Thanks. I'll be in Richard's office."

She considered calling Richard in the OR, but decided not to. He called earlier to fill her in and asked her to be with Addison, it would only add to his worry if he were to know that Addison was nowhere to be found.

"Hi, Patricia," she greeted her husband's secretary at her desk.

"Oh, there you are, Adele. Nurse Tyler told me you're here and—"

"Yes, have you seen Addison?"

"That's something I want to tell you."

She let out a relief breath, "Is she in his office?"

Patricia frowned, "She was."

"She was?"

"She asked me to let her in his office, but she was already gone when I checked back."

Patricia unlocked the door to Richard's office, "I'll keep an eye out for her and any news about Dr. Shepherd. I'll let you know."

"Thank you, Patricia."

Adele had just sat down on her husband's chair when something caught her eyes. She picked up the manila envelope and studied the handwriting on the front. It took her a second to realize why the writing had seemed so familiar.

After carefully opening the envelope, she scanned the several sheets of papers that were inside. Her heart beat faster as her eyes moved across the first page, and she placed a hand over her heart once she got to the bottom of the letter.

"Oh, Addison…."

XXXX

_I guess you don't need it_

_I guess you don't want me to repeat it_

_But everything I have to give I'll give to you_

_It's not like we planned it_

_You tried to stay, but you could not stand it_

_To see me shut down slow as though it was an easy thing to do_

XXXX

Derek was finally cleared to be moved out of the ICU that day and looked around his new room, filled with 'Get Well Soon' balloons and flowers and cards, and he remembered those who visited him: the slew of nurses and doctors from interns to attendings. Meredith came to sit by his side and told him about her day. Mark was by his side when he woke up, he could had sworn Mark had cried based on the red of his eyes. Richard and Adele stopped by whenever they could, especially Adele who kept his mother company. His mother had flown in at her earliest opportunity, followed soon by the rest of his sisters.

Addison had called, his mother told him, though strangely enough Addison was the only one he hadn't seen. His weak condition prevented him from talking and moving, so he could only wait for Addison to show up, but she never did and no one had mentioned anything about her.

He remembered everything about Addison since the accident: her voice, her cries, her terrified eyes, the warmth of her body against his on that cold night, and her pleading him not to die. Perhaps she was busy, he reasoned, or perhaps she was scared to see him like this….

His thought was interrupted as his mother entered the room.

"Hi…Mom," he choked out.

Ruth Shepherd smiled, "Hey."

He parted his lips slightly when she offered the straw. The cool water felt so good on his throat.

"Mom?"

Ruth put the cup back on the nearby table, "Do you need anything else, dear?"

"Addie…" he whispered.

He noticed the change of emotion on his mother's face, and he felt ill. "Mom…?"

"I need…uh, your sisters, they…."

He grabbed her hand as she offered excuses, "Where's…Addie?"

She stared at him for a long time before she spoke again.

"Derek…." She looked down at his hand that was holding on hers, "Addie isn't here. I'm so sorry…she already left when I got here."

He didn't understand, "Left…?"

His head snapped toward the door, hoping his mother was wrong and it was Addison who came, instead it was Bailey.

"Addison," he said firmly, directed at Bailey. "Where's she?"

The question definitely threw off the usually composed Miranda Bailey and she fumbled with her words until she caught eyes with Ruth Shepherd. Approaching his bed slowly, Bailey only offered a simple 'I don't know.'

"I don't believe you," he retorted.

Bailey sat on the bed, "Her resignation letters on Richard's desk were the only thing she left behind. Nobody knew where she went."

He closed his eyes, "That can't…be true…. Addie won't leave like that."

His throat tightened and his heart beat faster as he shouted orders to call Naomi and Sam in L.A. because that was where Addison went last week and to call their friends in New York. His mother's worried voice called his name but he dismissed it.

Bailey must have pushed a dose of sedative in he thought, when he felt his heartbeat slowing into a steady pace. The two women watched him with sadness as he continued to plead for them find her.

When he was calm enough, Bailey put a hand on his shoulder and looked him straight in the eyes, "I don't think she wanted to be found."

XXXXX

So if you have noticed, we are back to the that night right after they got Derek out, and then to the day Derek realized that Addison had left. I noticed a lot of "I want to know what happened in between the two years" in the reviews and I may have disappoint you here by not going back somewhere in between those 2 years, but all that is to know about the 2 years were in the previous chapters and this one (and next one), that Addison had left Seattle for London and adopted Nicholas along the way and that Derek became Chief and has a limp, and of course it is obvious that they missed each other and are quite miserable without the other (duh!).

Anyway, I'm determined to make the next chapter up sooner than this one. You know the drill, review por favor!


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